Sabotage (2014)

The dirty (and a bit older) dozen?

The dirty (and a bit older) dozen?

Twitter Plot Summary: A crack DEA team are bumped off one by one after they steal $10 million from a drug cartel.

Five Point Summary:

1. Arnie rocking a funky haircut.
2. Big explosion! Then… lots of not much.
3. They’re getting dead. Or something.
4. More of them getting dead.
5. Ahh, there’s a sting in the tail.

There are two aspects to Sabotage’s plot. The…

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The Wind Rises (2014)

The Wind Rises (2014)

Those crazy Italians were at it again.

Those crazy Italians were at it again.

Twitter Plot Summary: A Japanese airplane designer laments over their use as war machines as WW2 looms.

Five Point Summary:

1. Using just human voices to create sound effects is a bit creepy.
2. The Zero’s look really nice.
3. A city is on fire, but people aren’t apparently that bothered by it.
4. Consumption seems to be a recurring theme in 2014′s movies.
5.…

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Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Corey Feldman has let himself go a bit...

Corey Feldman has let himself go a bit…

Twitter Plot Summary: There’s more shenanigans going on around Crystal Lake as Jason returns from the dead and starts killing folks. Again.

Five Point Summary:

1. What’s Fackler doing in this?
2. Why does anybody spend time near Crystal Lake? Seems like a ridiculously bad idea.
3. Crispin Glover’s dancing should never be seen in public.
4. Tom Savini’s…

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Friday The 13th Part III (1982)

Friday The 13th Part III (1982)

Gormless.

Gormless.

Twitter Plot Summary: Not only does Jason finally put on his iconic mask, but he also does so in THREE DIMENSIONS!

Five Point Summary:

1. Stop poking sticks at me, bro.
2. The motorcycle gang are bad.
3. The fat guy is annoying. Really annoying.
4. Nice groin-related death.
5. Jason unmasked! Gnarly.

In what apparently became a standard aspect of the franchise, Part 3 opens with a replay…

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Friday The 13th Part 2 (1981)

Friday The 13th Part 2 (1981)

This was THE look in 1981. Honest.

This was THE look in 1981. Honest.

Twitter Plot Summary: It’s more of the same, but this time Jason shows up to do a bit of killing instead of letting his mum have all the fun.

Five Point Summary:

1. Oh look, another group of innocent teenagers.
2. Oh look, more gratuitous female nudity.
3. So… are we just repeating the plot of the first film here?
4. Yet more blood and screams…
5. Nice fashion…

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Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

Koba hangs out between takes.

Koba hangs out between takes.

Twitter Plot Summary: It’s been ten years since the simian flu wiped out most of humanity. A commune of survivors butt heads with Caesar’s ape community.

Five Point Summary:

1. As soon as you say you’ve not seen a human for a while, it’s obligatory for them to show up.
2. CGI apes look good. Almost too good.
3. The ape commune is a great piece of design.
4. Apes on…

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Friday The 13th (1980)

Friday The 13th (1980)

Just a harmless old lady, right? Right?!

Just a harmless old lady, right? Right?!

Twitter Plot Summary: A group of teenage counselors are systematically killed at Camp Crystal Lake.

Five Point Summary:

1. Killer-POV cam is always a winner.
2. Running out in the rain dressed in barely anything is apparently normal.
3. The camp should have stayed closed to be fair…
4. If you have sex, you die. Slasher movie 101.
5. After all that, it turns…

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Snakes On A Plane (2006)

Snakes On A Plane (2006)

He's had just about enough of those mother loving snakes on this mother loving plane! (The actual line has been modified to protect the innocent.)

He’s had just about enough of those mother loving snakes on this mother loving plane!
(The actual line has been modified to protect the innocent.)

Twitter Plot Summary: What’s the best way to stop someone testifying against you? Fill his plane full of snakes, naturally.

Five Point Summary:

1. Mile High Club snake fail.
2. Where’s the autopilot from Airplane when you need him?
3. Not the dog!
4. Big…

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Only Lovers Left Alive (2014)

Only Lovers Left Alive (2014)

When you're a vampire, there's nothing better than leaning on a wall looking melancholic.

When you’re a vampire, there’s nothing better than leaning on a wall looking melancholic.

Twitter Plot Summary: A love story between two ancient vampires and the near-constant existential crisis they face every day.

Five Point Summary:

1. Vampire films always have an obligatory scene where someone cuts their finger.
2. What if Christopher Marlowe really did write Hamlet?
3. Too many literal…

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Byzantium (2013)

Well that didn't quite go as expected...

Well that didn’t quite go as expected…

Twitter Plot Summary: Female soucriant Clara and her daughter Eleanor (also a soucriant) hide themselves away from the rest of their kind.

Five Point Summary:

1. A world in which female vampires are the minority is not a world I want to live in.
2. People are much too trusting in quiet seaside towns.
3. Not sure what accent Caleb Landry Jones is doing, but it…

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The Replacement Killers (1998)

The Replacement Killers (1998)

She wasn't aware of the "Classic Hero Pose".

She wasn’t aware of the “Classic Hero Pose”.

Twitter Plot Summary: A hitman develops a conscience and has to defend himself from… replacement killers. And Mira Sorvino’s lack of suitable attire.

Five Point Summary:

1. Michael Rooker has an awesome goatee.
2. I’m not confident in her forgery skills.
3. There’s always an obligatory quiet scene before more chaos ensues.
4. Impassive, unemotional Danny…

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Equilibrium (2002)

The dog's decision to urinate at that exact moment was ill-judged. A Bale-sized rant was imminent.

The dog’s decision to urinate at that exact moment was ill-judged. A Bale-sized rant was imminent.

Twitter Plot Summary: In a future fascistic state, emotion is forbidden. Christian Bale’s cleric fights back against the system.

Five Point Summary:

1. Sean Bean’s in it for a bit.
2. Why is Taye Diggs smiling all the time?
3. The dog is always your downfall.
4. Starting to get the urge to punch Diggs…

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The ABC’s Of Death (2012)

The ABC’s Of Death (2012)

Seriously, this is messed up.

Seriously, this is messed up.

Twitter Plot Summary: 26 short films, one for each letter of the alphabet, about death.

Five Point Summary:

1. D is for Dogfight.
2. O is for Orgasm.
3. T is for Toilet.
4. U is for Unearthed.
5. W is for WTF!

Anthology formats, by their very nature, tend to be a hit and miss affair. The ABC’s of Death is an interesting concept which compiles the styles and talents of…

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Mrs Brown’s Boys D’Movie (2014)

Mrs Brown’s Boys D’Movie (2014)

Not sure what the point of this sequence is - is it musical number or comedy piece? Apparently, it's neither.

Not sure what the point of this sequence is – is it musical number or comedy piece? Apparently, it’s neither.

Twitter Plot Summary: Inexplicably popular BBC sitcom Mrs Brown’s Boys hits the big screen. Like something brown hitting a fan.

Five Point Summary:

1. Threats about being bigger and better than the TV version soon discovered to be unfounded. It’s just as bad.
2. The first of several…

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The Big Bus (1976)

The Big Bus (1976)

They couldn't afford an actual hospital, it seems.

They couldn’t afford an actual hospital, it seems.

Twitter Plot Summary: The spoof disaster movie story of the first nuclear powered bus as it travels from New York to Denver.

Five Point Summary:

1. Doctor in the parking lot.
2. Broken carton of milk.
3. He may have eaten a foot. Once.
4. Bomb threat!
5. Hanging on a ledge.

Coming from similar stock to the ludicrously funny Airplane style movie,…

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