Finding Nemo (2003)

He didn't take kindly to their mocking nature.

He didn’t take kindly to their mocking nature.

Twitter Plot Summary: After his son Nemo is “kidnapped” by a reef diver, clown fish Marlin joins up with forgetful Dory on a quest to rescue him.

Five Point Summary:

1. Oh noes! He ‘s been taken away.
2. Dentists. Scary on many levels.
3. Mine?!
4. “Jump into my mouth if you want to live.”
5. Teamwork saves the day.

Finding Nemo is a delight, let me make…

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Highlander: The Source (2007)

Highlander: The Source (2007)

McLeod contemplated beheading everyone involved in the production of The Source, including himself.

McLeod contemplated beheading everyone involved in the production of The Source, including himself.

Twitter Plot Summary: Duncan MacLeod goes in search of The Source of Immortal power. Inexplicably.

Five Point Summary:

1. So the bad guy is yet another version of the Kurgan?
2. Singing “Who Wants To Live Forever”? Pah.
3. Awkward love scene in the forest. Very awkward.
4. The car just blew up because…

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Cast Away (2000)

The moment he realised he didn't have any toilet paper.

The moment he realised he didn’t have any toilet paper.

Twitter Plot Summary: After his plane crashes in a storm, FedEx bod Chuck Noland finds himself marooned and alone on a desert island.

Five Point Summary:

1. Is this film sponsored by FedEx, by any chance?
2. That’s not exactly good weather to be flying in.
3. Ahh, Wilson. Pleasure to meet you squire.
4. I think that whale might be stalking him…

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The Black Cauldron (1985)

The Black Cauldron (1985)

There's always a glowing magic sword in these fantasy stories. Always.

There’s always a glowing magic sword in these fantasy stories. Always.

Twitter Plot Summary: A young boy who dreams of being a warrior goes head to head with The Horned King, who wants to find the Black Cauldron.

Five Point Summary:

1. A magic glowing sword, you say?
2. The group form whilst evil lurks.
3. Gurgi. Annoying companion.
4. Witches. More darkness. A cauldron. Prison.
5. Least dramatic…

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Point Break (1991)

I can't add anything to this, it speaks for itself.

I can’t add anything to this, it speaks for itself.

Twitter Plot Summary: The homo-erotic surfing adventures of Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze.

Five Point Summary:

1. Dude! Like, totally excellent you’re a cop, Ted. I mean, Johnny Utah.
2. Swayze putting his Road House training to good use.
3. So that’s who the Presidents are! Not that it could have been anyone else.
4. Jumping out of a plane, sans…

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The Last Days On Mars (2014)

The Last Days On Mars (2014)

He's looking a bit peaky.

He’s looking a bit peaky.

Twitter Plot Summary: A Martian bacteria causes havoc and zombies at the end of a 6 month mission to the red planet.

Five Point Summary:

1. It all looks very Alien.
2. It’s his own fault.
3. The carnage begins.
4. So far, so generic.
5. Bleak, sand covered finale.

Zombies in space? Sign me up. Ignoring the fact that the zombie action is surprisingly limited (and there is…

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Goal! (2005)

He'd never seen mud before... welcome to the north of England!

He’d never seen mud before… welcome to the north of England!

Twitter Plot Summary: A Mexican immigrant living in Los Angeles is given a trial with Newcastle United football club and a chance to live his dreams.

Five Point Summary:

1. Stannis Baratheon!
2. Ahh, Newcastle. I less than 3 you.
3. Anna Friel as a nurse. You now have my interest.
4. Brian Johnson of AC/DC fame!
5. Boring, expected…

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Noah (2014)

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Twitter Plot Summary: Noah builds an ark to save all life on Earth, except for humans. Because we’re a nasty bunch.

Five Point Summary:

1. Mankind: you’ve been very naughty.
2. All that slithers, all that crawls… in CGI.
3. Avarice of man.
4. Ark attack! Sadly not Art Attack.
5. Noah the Drunk.

Adaptations of Biblical tales are always a tricky proposition. More…

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The Double (2014)

The first ever human skin Terminators weren't exactly as SkyNet had planned.

The first ever human skin Terminators weren’t exactly as SkyNet had planned.

Twitter Plot Summary: Simon James, mostly ignored in his job, is confounded by the arrival of James Simon – his double – who begins to take over his life.

Five Point Summary:

1. Very Eastern European look to all of this.
2. Making one copy. Prescient.
3. James starts to worm his way in.
4. Death, unravelling, Chris Morris…
5…

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Divergent (2014)

"Stop stroking it and punch the damn thing!"

“Stop stroking it and punch the damn thing!”

Twitter Plot Summary: In dystopian Chicago, the populace is divided into 5 factions based on personality. but if you’re Divergent, you’re a threat.

Five Point Summary:

1. So far, so Hunger Games.
2. Initiation tests in Dauntless.
3. Will she make it through? Of course she will.
4. The plot thickens. Slightly. Like custard.
5. Knife throwing skillz.

We’re…

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A Long Way Down (2014)

A Long Way Down (2014)

The obligatory "all of the main cast in one shot" shot.

The obligatory “all of the main cast in one shot” shot.

Twitter Plot Summary: Four suicidal people meet accidentally on New Year’s Eve and vow not to kill themselves until at least Valentine’s Day.

Five Point Summary:

1. What a coincidence – four on the same roof.
2. A pact is formed. Media glory awaits. Or not.
3. A quick trip abroad.
4. The friendship goes sour.
5. Resolution. Everyone’s happy.

It…

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In Fear (2013)

They couldn't believe the mileage on their hatchback. So much so, they had to stand back and admire it.

They couldn’t believe the mileage on their hatchback. So much so, they had to stand back and admire it.

Twitter Plot Summary: A new couple head off on a road trip which takes a sinister twist after they get lost on country roads.

Five Point Summary:

1. That hotel remains elusive.
2. Something strange is afoot.
3. So what happened in the pub?!
4. Exactly how much petrol have they… oh, it’s ran out.
5.…

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Avalanche Sharks (2013)

Just as silly as this looks.

Just as silly as this looks.

Twitter Plot Summary: Ghostly sharks are unleashed on an unsuspecting ski resort. Yeah, that’s about it.

Five Point Summary:

1. Ghostly sharks. On a mountain. In the snow.
2. Evil Dead “Deadite” cam!
3. Think this was already silly? Wait until the guy starts talking about love…
4. Why won’t you die?!
5. It had to happen, it was… inevitable.

Some ideas sound far better on…

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The Thing (2011)

She had a suspicion that something was going on behind her back.

She had a suspicion that something was going on behind her back.

Twitter Plot Summary: In this prequel to the 1982 film, we see events as they unfold on the Norwegian base. This time there’s also women.

Five Point Summary:

1. OMG – A woman!
2. Some bearded Norwegians and an alien. Standard.
3. Nice twist on the blood test.
4. Some more bad CGI effects.
5. And the link to John Carpenter’s film is…

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The Thing (1982)

Some men would kill for facial fuzz like this.

Some men would kill for facial fuzz like this.

Twitter Plot Summary: An alien life form is uncovered and starts wiping out the all male crew of an American base in Antarctica.

Five Point Summary:

1. Those crazy Norwegians and Kurt’s lovely beard.
2. Tendrils!
3. That head’s trying to escape!
4. The blood testing scene. Very tense.
5. Amazing ending.

The Thing remains one of my all time favourite…

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