Inside Out (2011)

Triple H - taking the art of staring at walls to an all new level.

Triple H – taking the art of staring at walls to an all new level.

Twitter Plot Summary: After spending several years in prison, AJ soon finds himself back in shady territory. Also Michael Rapaport doesn’t shut up.

Five Point Summary:

1. Michael Rapaport talking. A lot.
2. Shut up, Michael Rapaport.
3. Seriously, shut up.
4. Oh, he has. Finally.
5. I don’t think any of that made any sense.

What…

View On WordPress

Zero Dark Thirty (2013)

Zero Dark Thirty (2013)

"I'm sorry, we can't attack this building - it's too small."

“I’m sorry, we can’t attack this building – it’s too small.”

Twitter Plot Summary: The hunt for Osama Bin Laden following the events of 9/11, told from the perspective of a CIA Analyst obsessed with the project.

Five Point Summary:

1. Waterboarding and other torture techniques: Vol 1.
2. Dinner in posh Pakistan restaurants seems like a bad idea.
3. Never invite a suspected terrorist into your…

View On WordPress

Trailers, Spoilers, And Giving The Game Away

Trailers, Spoilers, And Giving The Game Away

Please note that there are potential spoilers discussed in this article (duh), so proceed with caution.

For a very long time I have had a problem with film trailers, particularly those that give away the action in the third act or final set piece in a bid to get people into cinemas to see the full film. In the last 18 months I have made a more concerted effort to visit the cinema and subsequently…

View On WordPress

Tinker Bell and The Pirate Fairy (2014)

Tinker Bell and The Pirate Fairy (2014)

Arr, me hearties! Or words to that effect.

Arr, me hearties! Or words to that effect.

Twitter Plot Summary: Tinker Bell and her fairy friends must stop a pirate fairy from causing mischief with some new fairy dust.

Five Point Summary:

1. Tinkering with fairy dust? Tut tut.
2. Hands up who thinks they know who the pirate fairy is?
3. Oh no, all their powers have been swapped!
4. Something’s amiss.
5. That rascal.

The first question likely…

View On WordPress

Mars Attacks (1996)

I'd trust this face.

I’d trust this face.

Twitter Plot Summary: The trading card game is brought to life by Tim Burton and his eclectic cameo cast.

Five Point Summary:

1. Let’s just meet everybody. Literally everybody.
2. It’s all that dove’s fault. Maybe.
3. Jack Nicholson! Again!
4. Tom Jones!
5. That’s a potent defence against alien invasion.

In 1996 Tim Burton took on the alien invasion genre, and true to form his…

View On WordPress

The Expendables (2010)

"And over there is my mother. Stay in the shadows - she likes fresh blood."

“And over there is my mother. Stay in the shadows – she likes fresh blood.”

Twitter Plot Summary: The Expendables are a fighting unit who will do the jobs you hate – a bit like Mr Muscle.

Five Point Summary:

1. Brief cameo time.
2. Eric Roberts in a suit = super evil.
3. Who’d have thought Statham and Stallone would have chemistry?
4. Let’s break out the big guns, why not.
5. Man on fire, people…

View On WordPress

The Little Mermaid (1989)

The Little Mermaid (1989)

The exploding bidet caught her very much by surprise.

The exploding bidet caught her very much by surprise.

Twitter Plot Summary: Ariel is disenchanted with her life as a mermaid princess when she falls for a human prince.

Five Point Summary:

1. She’s a bit spoilt, by the looks of it.
2. Under Da Sea.
3. She’s willing to do a lot just to find a man. Use Tinder like everyone else.
4. Kiss De Girl.
5. Everything works out in the end. Of course it does.

View On WordPress

Why Do We Enjoy Bad Films?

Why Do We Enjoy Bad Films?

What is it about bad films that makes us sit through to the end? To revel in the poor output of those involved in the production? To understand that you’re never going to get those 90-odd minutes back? It’s a tricky proposition to consider, time is a precious commodity which we (and myself in particular) complain frequently about not having enough of. To a certain extent my enjoyment of bad films…

View On WordPress

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

Her suspicions had been correct - they were indeed guns.

Her suspicions had been correct – they were indeed guns.

Twitter Plot Summary: Lara Croft makes the transfer from video games to the big screen in a mostly vacuous action romp.

Five Point Summary:

1. Chris Barrie, always a pleasure.
2.
You can tell he’s a villain because he likes black.
3. Daniel Craig and his awkward American accent.
4. Stone idols… alive!
5. Some nonsense about time travel…

Ther…

View On WordPress

The Colony (2013)

Fishburne planned on destroying all the unsold copies of The Matrix Revolutions.

Fishburne planned on destroying all the unsold copies of The Matrix Revolutions.

Twitter Plot Summary: Following a man-made global freeze, Colony 7 have to contend with the common cold and cannibals. Natural combo.

Five Point Summary:

1. Spot the red shirt. Far too keen.
2. It’s all getting a bit creepy.
3. Cannibal killers. Nice.
4. Bill Paxton, marking a new career as a bad guy.
5. Why won’t…

View On WordPress

Lucy (2014)

His sales pitch was being lapped up by the captive audience.

His sales pitch was being lapped up by the captive audience.

Twitter Plot Summary: Lucy finds herself using more than 10% of her brain capacity after a drug seeps into her bloodstream.

Five Point Summary:

1. That drug looks a lot like Walter White’s own brand.
2. Why is Morgan Freeman even here?
3. Some random French cop is now along for the ride too.
4. Obligatory random shootout in a fancy looking…

View On WordPress

Metallica: Through The Never (2013)

Metallica: Through The Never (2013)

Say what you will, Metallica's live sets never fail to impress.

Say what you will, Metallica’s live sets never fail to impress.

Twitter Plot Summary: Part Metallica concert, part interpretative mostly silent action movie. Entirely good.

Five Point Summary:

1. For Whom The Bell Tolls.
2. One.
3. Master of Puppets.
4. Nothing Else Matters.
5. Orion.

Through The Never – a name originating from Metallica’s self titled “Black Album” released in 1991 – mixes a…

View On WordPress

Blackfish (2013)

I'm sure this sort of behaviour is frowned upon in polite company.

I’m sure this sort of behaviour is frowned upon in polite company.

Twitter Plot Summary: A documentary about the killer whale(s) at SeaWorld, that were involved in the deaths of three people.

Five Point Summary:

1. Former SeaWorld folks dish the dirt. Good on them.
2. The first death. Scary stuff.
3. The name Killer Whale is clearly not just an attempt at irony.
4. That broken arm is gnarly.
5.…

View On WordPress

Rubber (2010)

The star of the show. Just because.

The star of the show. Just because.

Twitter Plot Summary: The tale of Robert, a tyre with psychic powers as it travels around the place and kills people randomly.

Five Point Summary:

1. A psychic tyre? That’s not that weird…
2. Scanners moment. Nice.
3. Stopping in a motel watching motorsports. Of course.
4. It’s getting very meta. As if it wasn’t already.
5. Hello, Hollywood.

Sometimes a film, or…

View On WordPress

Snowpiercer (2013)

All of them are trying not to smirk, clearly.

All of them are trying not to smirk, clearly.

Twitter Plot Summary: After an experiment turns the world to ice, the only survivors live aboard the Snowpiercer, a big train. Toot toot.

Five Point Summary:

1. This is a silly premise… oh well, might as well go with it!
2. Tilda Swinton – typically excellent.
3. Protein bars are… well, as icky as you might imagine.
4. What’s with the men dressed in…

View On WordPress