Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)

Koba hangs out between takes.

Koba hangs out between takes.

Twitter Plot Summary: It’s been ten years since the simian flu wiped out most of humanity. A commune of survivors butt heads with Caesar’s ape community.

Five Point Summary:

1. As soon as you say you’ve not seen a human for a while, it’s obligatory for them to show up.
2. CGI apes look good. Almost too good.
3. The ape commune is a great piece of design.
4. Apes on…

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Friday The 13th (1980)

Friday The 13th (1980)

Just a harmless old lady, right? Right?!

Just a harmless old lady, right? Right?!

Twitter Plot Summary: A group of teenage counselors are systematically killed at Camp Crystal Lake.

Five Point Summary:

1. Killer-POV cam is always a winner.
2. Running out in the rain dressed in barely anything is apparently normal.
3. The camp should have stayed closed to be fair…
4. If you have sex, you die. Slasher movie 101.
5. After all that, it turns…

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Snakes On A Plane (2006)

Snakes On A Plane (2006)

He's had just about enough of those mother loving snakes on this mother loving plane! (The actual line has been modified to protect the innocent.)

He’s had just about enough of those mother loving snakes on this mother loving plane!
(The actual line has been modified to protect the innocent.)

Twitter Plot Summary: What’s the best way to stop someone testifying against you? Fill his plane full of snakes, naturally.

Five Point Summary:

1. Mile High Club snake fail.
2. Where’s the autopilot from Airplane when you need him?
3. Not the dog!
4. Big…

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Only Lovers Left Alive (2014)

Only Lovers Left Alive (2014)

When you're a vampire, there's nothing better than leaning on a wall looking melancholic.

When you’re a vampire, there’s nothing better than leaning on a wall looking melancholic.

Twitter Plot Summary: A love story between two ancient vampires and the near-constant existential crisis they face every day.

Five Point Summary:

1. Vampire films always have an obligatory scene where someone cuts their finger.
2. What if Christopher Marlowe really did write Hamlet?
3. Too many literal…

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Byzantium (2013)

Well that didn't quite go as expected...

Well that didn’t quite go as expected…

Twitter Plot Summary: Female soucriant Clara and her daughter Eleanor (also a soucriant) hide themselves away from the rest of their kind.

Five Point Summary:

1. A world in which female vampires are the minority is not a world I want to live in.
2. People are much too trusting in quiet seaside towns.
3. Not sure what accent Caleb Landry Jones is doing, but it…

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The Replacement Killers (1998)

The Replacement Killers (1998)

She wasn't aware of the "Classic Hero Pose".

She wasn’t aware of the “Classic Hero Pose”.

Twitter Plot Summary: A hitman develops a conscience and has to defend himself from… replacement killers. And Mira Sorvino’s lack of suitable attire.

Five Point Summary:

1. Michael Rooker has an awesome goatee.
2. I’m not confident in her forgery skills.
3. There’s always an obligatory quiet scene before more chaos ensues.
4. Impassive, unemotional Danny…

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Equilibrium (2002)

The dog's decision to urinate at that exact moment was ill-judged. A Bale-sized rant was imminent.

The dog’s decision to urinate at that exact moment was ill-judged. A Bale-sized rant was imminent.

Twitter Plot Summary: In a future fascistic state, emotion is forbidden. Christian Bale’s cleric fights back against the system.

Five Point Summary:

1. Sean Bean’s in it for a bit.
2. Why is Taye Diggs smiling all the time?
3. The dog is always your downfall.
4. Starting to get the urge to punch Diggs…

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The ABC’s Of Death (2012)

The ABC’s Of Death (2012)

Seriously, this is messed up.

Seriously, this is messed up.

Twitter Plot Summary: 26 short films, one for each letter of the alphabet, about death.

Five Point Summary:

1. D is for Dogfight.
2. O is for Orgasm.
3. T is for Toilet.
4. U is for Unearthed.
5. W is for WTF!

Anthology formats, by their very nature, tend to be a hit and miss affair. The ABC’s of Death is an interesting concept which compiles the styles and talents of…

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Mrs Brown’s Boys D’Movie (2014)

Mrs Brown’s Boys D’Movie (2014)

Not sure what the point of this sequence is - is it musical number or comedy piece? Apparently, it's neither.

Not sure what the point of this sequence is – is it musical number or comedy piece? Apparently, it’s neither.

Twitter Plot Summary: Inexplicably popular BBC sitcom Mrs Brown’s Boys hits the big screen. Like something brown hitting a fan.

Five Point Summary:

1. Threats about being bigger and better than the TV version soon discovered to be unfounded. It’s just as bad.
2. The first of several…

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The Big Bus (1976)

The Big Bus (1976)

They couldn't afford an actual hospital, it seems.

They couldn’t afford an actual hospital, it seems.

Twitter Plot Summary: The spoof disaster movie story of the first nuclear powered bus as it travels from New York to Denver.

Five Point Summary:

1. Doctor in the parking lot.
2. Broken carton of milk.
3. He may have eaten a foot. Once.
4. Bomb threat!
5. Hanging on a ledge.

Coming from similar stock to the ludicrously funny Airplane style movie,…

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Apocalypse Pompeii (2014)

Wow, that CGI looks impressive /sarcasm

Wow, that CGI looks impressive /sarcasm

Twitter Plot Summary: Mount Vesuvius erupts again and Adrian Paul has to save his family before they fall victim to the lava and stuff.

Five Point Summary:

1. Adrian Paul going for a job interview.
2. Mount Vesuvius has erupted! Oh no!
3. John Rhys-Davies shows up. Clearly had nothing better to do.
4. That girl rather handily knows everything about volcanoes.

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Seve (2014)

"You won't play golf, you'll be a farmer, my boy!"

“You won’t play golf, you’ll be a farmer, my boy!”

Twitter Plot Summary: The life and golfing career of one of the all time greats – Seve Ballesteros.

Five Point Summary:

1. Laboured, cliche dramatised youth.
2. Playing golf on the beach.
3. Seve’s golfing legacy is explored.
4. The sad decline of one of golf’s greats.
5. An uplifting ending that brings the story full circle.

Taking a slightly…

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This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

I wonder what's down there. Actually, I don't. Because I know.

I wonder what’s down there. Actually, I don’t. Because I know.

Twitter Plot Summary: The return of a rock band in the midst of their decline from grace. Funny stuff happens to them.

Five Point Summary:

1. “You can’t dust for vomit.”
2. “…but this goes up to 11.”
3. Cucumber at the airport.
4. Stonehenge is 6″ tall.
5. An upbeat finale. Next stop: Japan!

This Is Spinal tap remains one of the…

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All Things To All Men (2013)

All Things To All Men (2013)

Spot the man who has clearly had too much to drink.

Spot the man who has clearly had too much to drink.

Twitter Plot Summary: A thief gets stuck between a maverick cop and a crime kingpin. It also makes London look pretty.

Five Point Summary:

1. The blackmail scheme is established.
2. A slick bank heist.
3. A sudden mid-film twist.
4. The net is closing in. As it were.
5. Aaand there’s the resolution you expected.

All Things To All Men boasts an…

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Zombex (2013)

The dirty... four? This is not going to go well.

The dirty… four? This is not going to go well.

Twitter Plot Summary: A couple of guys cross country during a zombie apocalypse. A very badly structured zombie apocalypse.

Five Point Summary:

1. Malcolm McDowell clearly had nothing better to do on this day.
2. Lots of driving, not much going on.
3. Random lesbian scene. Just because.
4. Corey Feldman is in one scene – why?
5. So… what was the point?

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